So......I have been thinking (I know, dangerous, right?) but I have been talking to other survivors (particularly those who are currently doing chemo and those that are lifers and will never see an end of treatment of one kind or another).

My thought is this: just because we appear to be healthy and active doesn't mean that cancer is in the past or that we don't worry about "what if?".

I know for me, that while I am running around doing this or that, traveling, volunteering and living my life to the fullest, doesn't mean that cancer is behind me. Far from it. I have to have labs and the next day treatment every other week. I get scanned every 4-5 months to make sure my cancer is stable.

I have less energy than I did in my life before cancer. My appetite mostly doesn't exist and I have to eat just because it is time. Sometimes I am irritable and cranky with people who I love the most and definitely don't deserve it. I don't sleep well, whether it from tho low level subconscious anxiety that I have because I am human, or the medication that is keeping my cancer STABLE.

Stable. Let's look at that word. It means not changing. It means that my cancer and I can stay like this and live and enjoy life. It doesn't mean that it is gone, It means that some day it is going to be ready to wake up from its long nap and that I am going to have to fight really hard again (although the current maintenance fight is not necessarily easy some days, but it is far better than chemo!)

And while those cancer SURVIVORS who are NED (No Evidence of Disease) may not have cancer right now, they still live with the fear that it will return. Every check up scan, every blood test, they have the thought of "What if it comes back" , because it can. It doesn't always come back but it is a relentless disease. Too many of my friends were "Cured" and then had a reoccurrence.

I guess what I am getting at is that things are not always at it seems, and in my case in particular, my partner is the one that sees the good, the bad and the ugly and is always there for me even when I try to put on a happy face for the world to see. I am talking about the few bad days I have when my energy level is low, the post scan anxiety, the paranoia that sets in every time I have a pain or headache or any other physical symptom that is out of the ordinary.

Don't get me wrong, I am very positive about my treatment and my situation. There is plenty of good and I am making the most of my life, but I needed to make sure that the other side is visible as well because it is my truth, and that of many others that have ever had a cancer diagnosis.

Debbie is a member of the You Night St. Tammany Class of 2017, pictured here with her partner Gwen.

"I look great, so everything must be great...right?"

Fast forward roughly two years since my first You Night experience

What is "beautiful"?

Debbie Roma